Marriage

You know,

when asked about it the Messenger said

that Marriage is equal to half a muslim's Deen.

What can possibly make it so special?

Well, it's the closest, most intimate possible relationship

we are likely to have with another person,

which tends to make it the most delicate

and possibly the most fractious.

Clearly if it's half our deen

we need to see what we make of this relationship between man and woman,

and in the muslim view of marriage it is only man and woman.

In the secular world, there is currently a trend

to extend the understanding of marriage

to include homosexual relationships,

but that is because from a secular viewpoint marriage is about legalities,

shared ownership of property,

shared finance,

and shared inheritance,

being treated as next of kin for hospital access,

medical and legal information and the like,

whereas when marriage is half your religion

it includes a whole lot more than that.

Muslims can also have state registered marriages

to have access to those legal rights,

but the Nikah,

the muslim marriage contract

is somewhat different,

and if we are to think about it perhaps we should first

look at the basic differences between man and woman

that a marriage relationship has to overcome,

and in particular the issues that are mentioned in the Qur'an.

The Qur'an addresses man and woman throughout.

The human rights and moral obligations mentioned in the Message

apply equally to both men and women.

When translated into English the Qur'an may seem entirely masculine in its language,

but that is because in Arabic the feminine is the one defined with a different word,

whereas the masculine can include

male and female, indeterminate and even inanimate.

The women companions asked the Messenger about this at the time,

and God's response was one I like to think

displays God's wondrous sense of humour,

with a passage that shows just how ridiculously unwieldy such a continuous and specific inclusion of both sexes would be,

while at the same time giving as an example

one of the most beautiful ayats of the whole Qur'an.

But differences there are between man and woman,

and in the Jahiliyya they dealt with these differences in a way

that was so inequitable they had to be changed,

and not just the idea that it was alright

to put down female infants at birth.

In a society where power and physical strength dominated,

women could not compete on equal terms.

In physical combat men have an overwhelming advantage.

Nowadays women don't usually compete with men at sports

for the same reason.

So in a world where ownership of goods and wealth

often came down to who could win a fight,

women ended up being treated as property,

something desirable,

to be captured in battle and owned

and collected in large numbers

by the most wealthy and powerful men.

Now until 1882 in the UK

if a woman married

everything she owned became her husband's,

but in the Jahiliyya this was taken much further,

and wives could be inherited with other 'goods',

passed from brother to brother

or father to son.

Of course not all women were in that situation,

and some with the protection of their families

could still become wealthy and powerful themselves.

Khadija was a wealthy, independent widow

when she proposed to the Messenger,

but she was not typical of the female situation by any means.

So let's look at the differences dealt with in the Qur'an,

and perhaps we should start with what is often seen as the most contentious,

the idea that a man is allowed to hit a woman

as mentioned in the Surah called An-Nisa, The Women.

Now this has been given various interpretations,

from saying that 'hitting' isn't really what the word 'daraba' means

to its being used as an excuse for battering wives.

But the Messenger's example is that he was never known to hit a woman or a child,

and although the Qur'an seems to say that for a man to strike his wife is permissible,

the Messenger is reported to have said that his community should still not do it.

So what could be the reason for this rare example

of the Messenger advising his community to avoid something the Qur'an says is permitted?

Perhaps it is because the Qur'an needs to recognise

the primal nature of physical force as part of the human condition,

our animal nature, when it comes to challenge in argument,

whereas it is said that the Messenger advised his companions

to approach their wives with gentleness and kisses,

not like animals.

Humankind has to learn restraint in the face of power,

brute force,

and understand the need to accept

probable consequences

when a tyrant has to be faced down.

And there are times when tyrants have to be faced down,

so of course it's nice if you can find a way

to face down the tyrant and survive

preferably unscathed

or at least only slightly scathed.

Being beaten for no reason is not shameful, as some would suggest,

but is abuse and tyranny,

and the Messenger said it is jihad to speak truth in the face of tyranny.

But in marriage that needs to be done from a safe place,

which is one reason for the readily available solution

of dissolving the marriage contract by divorce.

But there is a modern tendency to deal with the issue of battered wives

with statements of “zero tolerance of violence against women”,

but isn't that a distortion of power relationships between the sexes

that takes them to a state that is equally inequitable

and hence unjustifiable.

Men have to live with the fact that verbal aggression and challenge of another,

if pushed, will lead to a forceful physical response.

Is it really fair to say

that women should be free to say and do whatever they like with no restraint,

no limit,

with the only permissible response on the man's part being self-restraint?

In Britain we once used to deal with verbally aggressive wives

with an instrument of torture called a scold's bridle,

and they can still be seen in museums,

but surely the Messenger's way

of finding a loving and gentle solution to differences is preferable.

So what other differences are mentioned in the Qur'an?

Well, they can also really be considered as coming down to

a physical difference between the sexes,

namely a woman's strong hormonal tides influenced by the moon,

which can have a huge effect on her perception of the world.

So when it comes to giving evidence,

the Qur'an requires two women as witnesses

as opposed to one man.

Now this need for affirmation might be seen as giving protection to women

when standing up against male witnesses

who may prefer to deal with disagreement by violence,

but certainly it can only help to deal with any challenge

concerning the state of mind of a female witness.

For both men and women know that at certain times each month

some women especially are going to go a little crazy.

Pre-Menstrual Tension is even a legal defense in court nowadays,

a monthly lunacy that can be taken as extenuating circumstances.

The second woman is surely there to reassure the witness

that she was seeing things clearly at the time.

And what about the ayat that places men 'a step above' women?

How do you deal with that,

apart from an absolute assumption of male superiority

that after the death of the Messenger

was quickly incorporated into every level of muslim society?

Well I can think of a couple of situations

where men do have an advantage,

one a matter of fiqh

and the other a matter of everyday life.

Men could be seen as preferable to women

as leaders of the prayer

because they can usually tell when they have broken their wudhu,

whereas women can begin to bleed

without noticing in the early stages.

That's one thing.

And then of course there's pregnancy.

Being pregnant puts women at a serious physical disadvantage,

and their weakness in that situation

means that they need special care and protection,

especially as that can be seen as

also protecting the life of the unborn child.

And being pregnant was something that happened to women a lot

before the days of the birth control pill,

and children and family were seen as wealth,

as they still are in much of the world.

With no state pension, a younger generation

were able to provide care for members of their family who became elderly and infirm.

And what about the Qur'an saying men can have more than one wife?

Well, there's no need to consider the genetic issue of parentage in that situation.

Any child will always know who are its father and mother,

whereas that is not the case with one woman and more than one husband.

But also, at a time when physical safety relied on the strength of family ties,

abandoning wives would leave them without that protection,

so recognising that difficulty

the Qur'an allowed men to have four wives,

though recommending one.

Of course, the Messenger was permitted more than that,

and for a particular reason.

Not only did his marriages bind the various tribes together

into one extended family through the Messenger

but his example could also be used to show what was acceptable,

such as the permissibility of muslims marrying Christians or Jews.

But with the revelation,

the days of huge harims of wives was officially over,

even though muslim history shows many examples

of dexterous sidestepping of such restrictions.

Anyway,

what can we make of what is agreed at a muslim marriage ceremony today?

Admittedly most muslim weddings have so little ceremony nowadays

that non-muslims attending can often find

that it's been and gone

without them even realising it was happening.

But a collection of

muslim organisations in the UK

has come up with guidelines

to explain what a muslim marriage should require

for and from the parties involved,

along with a model marriage contract.

Setting things down in writing allows an intending couple

to agree on many important matters

related to their future lives,

together with the future of any children,

and should it unfortunately be necessary

make clear the mutual rights guaranteed the individuals

under Shari'ah upon divorce.

And the first thing to recognise is that

a marriage is simply a contract

between two people, agreed before witnesses.

A civil ceremony may need a registrar of some kind,

but a muslim wedding doesn't need an imam.

There's no need for anyone to 'marry' the couple,

they don't need any kind of priest-like official

to grant them the status of husband and wife.

Their contract is before God and needs no intermediary.

It is a contract between two people,

promising a commitment to a shared life,

the seriousness of which is recognised

by the fact that this promise is made before their Creator.

And the Messenger said that it will be half their Deen,

half their muslim way of life.

How much more important does anything get?

In the Shari'ah marriage is considered to be a relationship of mutual love, mercy and kindness,

but still a civil contract between two parties which allows them to mutually agree

on the terms and conditions of their future together.

Like any other contract, the free consent of the parties to the agreement is essential,

and it should cover such things as mutual consultation,

the financial independence of the husband and wife,

and their shared obligation to support the family.

The issue of financial independence is emphasised by something called

the Mahr,

which is a sum of money and/or goods

given by the Bridegroom to the Bride as part of the contract.

It is an essential element of muslim marriage

and is exclusively reserved for the use of the female partner.

This is a tangible recognition by the groom

that the bride retains her financial independence

as muslim women have done for the last 1400 years.

He gives her money

and she does exactly what she likes with it,

and he accepts that he has no right to do anything at all about it.

As well as the Mahr,

the contract also makes clear that any property she brings to the marriage

and any wedding gifts she is given

by either her family or his

remain exclusively hers.

Caring for children is also recognised as having financial value,

and a woman can even demand payment for breast feeding a child,

in a way that would be expected were they to use the services of a wet-nurse.

And the contract can also include

agreements with regard to matters such as responsibilities for household chores.

Those who sign the contract as witnesses must be sane, adult and reliable.

This requirement is gender and faith neutral,

just 'two adult witnesses of good character'.

The contract does not require the approval of parents,

though out of respect and courtesy

it is expected that they will be involved

throughout the process of the marriage.

The contract recognises that in muslim law

marriage is the most sacred commitment in life

between two adults of opposite sex,

therefore divorce is considered the most hated of all permitted things

and attempts should be made to save the marriage wherever possible

through arbitration before considering legal argument.

But divorce by mutual agreement is a simple and straightforward process.

But Legal agreements on their own don't make a successful marriage

That demands a relationship based on love,

mercy and kindness.

You won't get far if your behaviour is just based on

legal rights and duties.

The contract is based on an expectation of goodwill,

generosity, consideration and sympathy

from each of the parties involved,

taking into account each other's likes and dislikes.

They are expected to conduct all family affairs through mutual consultation

and in a spirit of giving more rather than less.

As part of the mutual rights and obligations of the contract,

the participants agree not to abuse each other or any children,

either verbally, emotionally, physically or sexually,

and they agree not to desert the marital home

or misuse or interfere with each other's property,

and undertake to stay loyal to each other

and never to break mutual trust by engaging in extra-marital affairs

with the opposite or same sex.

All differences between the parties with regard to the contract,

its interpretation and implementation

should firstly be amicably resolved between themselves,

but failing satisfactory resolution of any differences

they both undertake to settle their differences through family or community consultation,

and that neither party will end the contract unilaterally

without recourse to arbitration

and endeavouring to bring about reconciliation.

In the event of a failure to resolve differences however,

the parties accept that in matters of child custody

and property possession or division

the decision of a British court will be acceptable.

And with that the contract is verbally agreed to in front of witnesses,

and as it is expected that a bride may be shy,

it is traditional if she hasn't run away, to consider silence as acquiescence to the contract on her part,

though it is stated in that case that a smile is preferable.

And with that, the contract is signed and the couple are duly married in Islam.

Qur'an says that a husband and wife are vestments for each other.

Like clothing

they are a second skin to each other,

a protection from the wear and tear of the world around them

and a provider of warmth and comfort.

And God sets between spouses love and mercy.