Chastity

You know,

in the jahiliyya a huge variety of sexual relationships took place

both within marriage and outside of it.

The fact that the Qur'an had to mention

the following restraints on those that were acceptable in marriage

should be enough to make that clear,

barring men from sexual relationships with

their mothers and daughters,

their sisters and aunts,

their neices, wet-nurses, mothers-in-law and step-daughters.

These are the sort of relationships you end up with

when wives can be passed on as part of a person's inheritance,

along with other 'goods'.

And, of course,

men could have as many wives as they could afford.

The Qur'an changed all that,

but sex wasn't seen as something to be avoided.

Celibacy wasn't seen as something holier

or in any way preferable to marriage.

The Messenger encouraged marriage

for all those old enough to need it

to relieve their sexual urges in an acceptable manner,

and sex in marriage wasn't seen as something 'dirty'.

He is reported as saying that

there was a blessing from God

for married couples who had sex together,

in the same way that they would have incurred God's wrath

for sex outside of marriage.

And marriage wasn't seen as an agreement that could never be broken,

a relationship that once undertaken could become a prison.

Islamic Marriage is a relationship contract between two people

with the permissibility of easy divorce,

to the extent that the relaxed attitude of Islam to marriage comings and goings

can seem quite shocking from some perspectives.

The Qur'an says that after you have married and divorced someone three times

it is necessary for you to have married someone else before you can try again,

and we have to assume that if the Qur'an made that stipulation

then there was a need for it in the first place.

Admittedly, despite that looseness of regulation

the Messenger is reported to have said that

divorce was the most hateful of permitted things.

Then, of course

there was the permission for sexual relations with those whom 'your right hands own',

namely slaves,

a permission that as attitudes to slavery have changed,

most modern muslims tend to rapidly gloss over,

if they mention it at all.

But in the Jahiliyya, slave girls were also frequently forced into prostitution,

as is clear from the fact that the Qur'an forbids it.

So although the Qur'an set new limits on relationships,

the marriage relationship was still seen as a highly flexible one,

with one western academic

researching the intertwined relationships of the early muslim community

saying that in general she couldn't see

anything that would be recognisable as marriage in a modern western context.

Perhaps one can best imagine it as like

the on-off, on-off romantic relationships of many young people nowadays,

but with the added formality of publicly agreed marriage contracts.

But if there's nothing intrinsically wrong with

having sex with more than one partner,

what's wrong with a club week in Ibitha,

or Ayia Napa or Magalouf?

Well, there's nothing wrong with sex,

its just the way you go about it.

Following passion without control

is a danger to self, to sexual partners and society,

and it's not just the risk of pregnancy

or sexually transmitted diseases.

Allowing passion to run free

is rarely a good thing,

and especially the reduction of sex to animal appetites

with disregard for any emotional connection,

sex devoid of love and affection,

with no need for caring

or even responsibility for any effects on the sexual partner

other than the immediate physical gratification.

It is the quest for passion rather than affection.

Passion is stimulated by newness and unfamiliarity,

we are intrigued and excited by what is strange,

and it diminishes over time

as what was new becomes familiar.

Passion is fantasy,

a kind of love or yearning that springs from the imagination,

a passion for the person that we imagine the other to be,

who inevitably can only be found wanting

in their ability to live up to the dream.

Our real and flawed humanity can rarely live up to the perfection of a dream.

But Affection can be strengthened by familiarity,

becoming deeper and more subtle in the sharing of the love

that comes from knowing a sexual partner more intimately.

And whereas a relationship based on affection

need not be devoid of passion,

as sexual urges can be extremely powerful

whatever the context,

affection grows with greater knowledge of a partner

in all their frail and flawed humanity.

With the coming of Islam,

it was made clear that the relationship between two people

was more important than the physical sexual urges.

And for those who could not afford to marry,

which one imagines must have involved the most abject poverty,

the Messenger advised fasting as a way to control passions of a sexual nature.

But clearly in Islam it is not sexual abstinence that is important.

Chastity is what matters.

Several times in the Qur'an it is made clear

that Chastity is an integral part of the Islamic way of life,

as for example the Light Surah,

where we are advised

to lower our gaze to avoid temptation,

and in the Surah known as Al-Mu'minun, the Believers,

where God says that

along with prayer,

and giving in charity,

and being trustworthy,

the 'guarding of private parts',

in other words keeping our sexual urges under control,

will bring prosperity to the believers

and lead them to Paradise.